by: Noa Avior
As I sit here lamenting over Mike Portnoy's break up with Dream Theater I ask myself, why? Why am I eating a powdered donut over my new laptop? Because Mike Portnoy broke my heart. That's why.
Honestly, I don't know why I was so shocked. Over the last couple of years Portnoy's been frolicking with other bands looking for something else to tickle his pickle. Now at the age of 43, after growing out his hair and dying his goatee a multitude of colors, I get it. He's going through mid-life crisis! Where as most men pierce their ears and look for some young broad to shack up with, he is looking to get his fix (see what I did there?) from some young bitches who are in a band. Dream Theater's mistake was to let Portnoy see other people.
In Dream Theater, Mike had to do everything, cook, clean, the dishes, etc. With all of these other bands, Mike just got the sexual release. When a long relationship grows stale and new pussy makes itself available, the end is nigh.
So Mike, go forth and get all the musical pussy you can. Hang out with all the young bands you want, and really put yourself out there. Because you know at the end of the day, no girl will treat you as right as Dream Theater. You have 11 children together ferrchristsakes! You'll come crawling back, I know it. Just make sure not to catch hepatitis C after hanging out with some of these younger girls.