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A Female Perspective

A Female Perspective: Other Things Steven Tyler Should Use His Mouth For

by: Noa Avior

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You're probably scratching your head like an orangutan wondering why in the world would a predominantly heavy metal site post a blog about Steven Tyler. Well, Rob hasn't revoked my posting rights yet and I had some time on my hands, so I decided to blaaahg about it.

As you probably don't know, Steven Tyler was kicked out of Aerosmith. Joe Perry and gang promised to continue with a new singer; not quite sure who it is, don't really care. Steven on the other hand recently recorded a track all by himself for some Japanese movie called "Yamato". My guess is they couldn't afford American/Japanese crossover icon Marty Friedman.

You can listen to a looped clip in the trailer (but it's really not necessary). Steven said that he read the script for inspiration but I think he must have been looking at the one for Armageddon. There are spaceships and explosions in this movie too but just with more Asian people. The track sounds like anything else Aerosmith put out after Get A Grip and very reminiscent of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing".

My point is, Steven sucks and I have some better ideas for his mouth, which I will now share with you:

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1) STEVEN TYLER: OIL CAP

In April 2010, when the BP oil rig exploded in the Gulf of Mexico no one read my letters to congress to use Steven Tyler's mouth as a cover. We could've saved the marine and wild life ecosystems and about 5 million gallons of crude oil if only they stretched his lips to cap off the oil geyser.

STEVEN TYLER: NECK WARMER

Inspired by and the perfect accompaniment to Lady Gaga's infamous meat dress, I bring you the Steve Tyler Lip Scarf. Good for wide necks, it'll even keep Corpsegrinder's beefy neck warm in the harsh winter months.

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STEVEN TYLER: HAPPY VAH JAY JAY

There's plenty of lip to go around for those broads who are looking for some vaginal rejuvenation. Why replace your old lips with extra skin you have hanging off your foot when you can get Steven's soft pouty ones?

Mr. Tyler, if you are reading this, I'm available as a business consultant or graphic designer. If you are not Steven Tyler and have a better idea for what he can do with his lips, leave us a comment…

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