Like the lore of Springfield in The Simpsons, humanity has long wondered the location of a mystical realm known only as Flavortown. In 2024, we finally learned that Flavortown is in fact Columbus, Ohio and that the inaugural Flavortown Fest will be held there this summer.
From the bleached-blond mind of celebrity chef Guy Fieri, Flavortown Fest will be a gathering of food and music, with acts like Bret Michaels, Greta Van Fleet and Kane Brown confirmed to perform. The rest of the lineup has yet to be revealed, so we've got some recommendations for the Mayor of Flavortown if he's still looking to fill his plate with killer acts.
We're not saying Flavortown will be serving human flesh throughout the festival, but if they are, Cannibal Corpse should absolutely be booked. We all know Corpsegrinder loves himself some BBQ, and if Fieri is bringing all his Downtown Flavortown claw machines to the Ohio festival grounds, you know Cannibal Corpse will play the fest damn near for free.
Every festival wants Metallica to headline, but Guy Fieri is an actual "Metallica junkie." The Mayor of Flavortown professed his Metallica fandom during an interview with blink-182's Mark Hoppus, but unfortunately revealed that his wife doesn't let him blast metal at house parties. Bummer.
The Native Howl
Since the Flavortown Fest is throwing classic rock and country into their sonic food processor, they should grab bluegrass thrashers The Native Howl. The Michigan band brings good vibes and tons of energy… perfect for when the sun is still up and you're getting a good buzz on.
Did you know thrashers Sacred Reich have a funk rock song called "31 Flavors"? From their 1990 album, The American Way, "31 Flavors" closes out the record by emulating Faith No More's style, even shouting them out multiple times in the lyrics. The rest of the track is about piling up a fucking tower of ice cream. Bust out the deep cut at Flavortown Fest!
Dad vibes meets Flavortown? It just works. It's guaranteed that any human being attending Flavortown Fest has at least a slight appreciation for Fred Durst and the boys. Just picture Fred Durst in a flaming button-down shirt screaming about how he did it all for the nookie. We need this as a species.
If you're not Flavortown connoisseurs like us, you may be unfamiliar with Guy Fieri's "Motley Que" style of BBQ. It's the way Fieri serves up his pulled pork, whether in a sandwich or with his trash can nachos. Imagine watching Mötley Crüe perform at Guy Fieri's festival while shoving Motley Que nachos into your facehole. Heaven is truly a place on Earth.
If there's ever been an audience for David Vincent's (of Morbid Angel and Vltimas) country side project, it's the folks at Flavortown. Look, Bret Michaels is playing the fest, so why not another metal legend who suddenly started wearing cowboy hats? Hell, throw in a bro country version of "Where the Slime Live." It couldn't be any weirder than what country music ultimately has in store for us in 2024.
What's this? Another flavor-related metal song? Add it to the damn bill! In 2023, brutal slam metal band Gutsaw wrote "The Flavor of Flesh," likely after taking just one orgasmic bite of Fieri's Crazy Cuban Sandwich. Throw Gutsaw on at noon as a mid-day appetizer.
It doesn't matter if he shows up with Soulfly, Cavalera Conspiracy or Go Ahead And Die, we just wanna hear some killer thrash while chowing down on Max's Brazilian BBQ. The metal legend showed Metal Injection his surefire recipe for grilled chicken a few years back, and it needs the ultimate Guy Fieri seal of approval!
Please Lord, I need a spiky-haired Shifty Shellshock singing "Butterfly" onstage with Guy Fieri. I've never prayed for anything in my life, not even in my darkest moments, so please… just give me this one. Thank you in advance and see you at Flavortown.