by: Paul Ablaze
Hey everyone! This is Paul Ablaze, vocalist of BLACKGUARD and this is my first installment of "Facts of Touring." This is meant to be a humorous look at the touring lifestyle and I hope to be making this a weekly things with the help of our good buddies in METAL INJECTION, so be sure to check back weekly. So sit back, crack a beer and enjoy…
FACT: Doing Simpson’s jokes in Springfield, VA is only kind of funny the first time and horribly wrong every other time. I'm going to try the other Springfields and see how well they take it.
FACT: Having an African American toll booth operator tell you that you should change your name to White-Guard , is just as funny the 17th time as it was the first time.
FACT: Tour only starts when you get your laminate. Added note: This means Ensiferum tour last November didn’t actually start until a week in .
Semi-FACT: Borders are only in place to piss off bands… and I think for some sort of security measure.
Not really a FACT: If asked by a boarder guard if your band is "Heavier than Metallica" saying yes is a breach of National security.
FACT: Things not to say to border guards when asked "What kind of music do you play?":
– Anti-stupid-border-guard-questions metal.
– Anti-border-guard metal.
– *Nothing* (because you play instrumental metal)
FACT: Best Westerns are an endless supply of coffee/tea and cornflakes. Abuse at will.
FACT: GPS’s will often say your in the middle of a lake. This is not always the case.
FACT: 90% of local bands stay local for a very good reason. Sorry, I calls it like I sees it. *Awaiting hatemail*
FACT: EPICA fans don’t mosh no matter how much you yell, bribe, or beat them.
Quote of the week:
A text message conversation between myself and arch rival Admiral No Beard of SWASHBUCKLE:
-A.N.B: Hey bro , stop telling random ass dude to come up to me saying they’re your friends and expect me to give a shit. Some dude from L.A did that last night.
-P.A : why the hell would I want to subject anyone to you . I don’t even know anyone in L.A I hate enough to tell them to talk to you for my own amusement .
-A.N.B: Paul , I will stab you when I see you.
-P.A: Gonna Roid rage all over your face when I see you!
Paul's band BLACKGUARD is currently on tour with EPICA. Check their Myspace for the latest dates.
