We here at Metal Injection are big fans of The Hard Times, a site that masterfully and hilariously pokes holes in the punk and metal communities, and whose satirical articles make us laugh on a daily basis. To conclude our Summer partnership with Sailor Jerry Rum, we bring you a series of guest articles from The Hard Times. Read at your own risk, though, because you’re likely to see a little of yourself in each of the protagonists. Respect Norman Collins’s legacy and drink Sailor Jerry responsibly.
PRAIRIE VILLAGE, Kan. — Local punk Tyler Holtby “spun a web of lies” during a family barbeque last weekend, allegedly making up an entire fantasy football team in an effort to connect with his girlfriend’s extended family, according to multiple witnesses.
“I wanted to try and play along this time around, and not mess things up like I did with March Madness,” Holtby, 22, said. “So if anyone asks, this year’s breakout running back is a guy named… uh… Raymond Beez. And… Kansas City has a team, yeah? They picked him up in the fifth round.”
The aspiring lithographic printmaker assured girlfriend Cari Goodrow’s family that he, too, was “looking forward to a stellar season of fantasy football,” though sources noted his apprehension to divulging details and his struggle to recall even the most basic of position picks.
“I was surprised when I heard ol’ Dumpster Breath — that’s what we’ve called him since we caught him diving behind Panera during Easter — was playing this year, since he calls it ‘normie bullshit’ on Facebook,” 28-year-old Derrick Goodrow, Cari’s half-brother, said. “He looked confused when I asked him who he had for wide receiver. He told me one of his starting receivers was Tim Riggins… isn’t he from Friday Night Lights?”
Holtby, struggling to maintain his ruse, eventually turned to 7-year-old Ethan Goodrow, one of his girlfriend’s younger cousins, to avoid any more football talk.
“Turns out that kid is like a savant and is in first place in a ton of fantasy leagues. I told him I had Dan Marino as my quarterback, and he called me out on it,” Holtby said. “His parents were basically his age when Ace Ventura came out, and I don’t think they do those Nutrisystem commercials anymore, so I really thought I’d get away with that one.”
“He’s too fat and old to play anymore, stupid!” the younger Goodrow boy allegedly shouted, kicking Holtby in the shins and running off.
At press time, Holtby was reportedly squatting between cars in the driveway, writing the names of as many active NFL players as he could on the palm of his hand.
