Introducing our new column from Nekrogoblikon's frontman Scorpion, talking about whatever the hell he wants! His first entry…
Well, it’s 9 AM. The last thing I want is to be awake right now. You know how in bukkake porn hundreds of dudes sort of awkwardly huddle around and take turns jizzing on some poor girl’s face? Well that’s basically how I feel right now, except for instead of dudes jizzing, it’s about a thousand midgets, and they’re all shitting on my brain. My name is Scorpion.
I shriek, growl, honk, wail and yell at the innocent, for a band called Nekrogoblikon. We’re a Goblin Metal outfit hailing from the ever-grimmening locale of Los Angeles, California (we don’t wear goblin outfits). We’ve been around since summer 2006, which (by sheer coincidence) is actually widely recognized as the most metal season of the most metal year humanity has ever known. Add California to that equation, and you’ve got yourself some metal the likes of which has never been and will never be seen again.
Late in 2012, we released a music video for a song called “No One Survives,” from our mid-2011 album “STENCH.” Fueled by innumerable gift baskets and other such trivial bribes, the video immediately went viral, further cementing our place on the weird part of YouTube. Thanks to this inevitably fleeting bout of what I can only describe as totally moderate success, I’m now a hugely famous celebrity. The band used to have some guy called Nicholas Von Doom doing vocals, but he’s gone missing, and only the Scorpion remains. I could explain this further, but I feel that it is completely beside the point. Besides, the point CAN’T HANDLE SCORPION.
Our manager McDuck has been riding me hard for months now, and while I can’t complain, I must admit that I felt the urge for him to get off my back. So, per McDuck’s request, I am now a writer. Writing things for YOU. I’ve never wanted to be a writer, but as a predominantly unemployed freelance composer, I’ll take what I can get. On a completely unrelated note, you should buy some Nekrogoblikon merch, I hear it’s way cool.
Only time and space know where these writings will take us, but I have a hunch. I’ve always been self-conscious about my hunch. I caught a bit of a break when Disney’s “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” came out, but that was short-lived. As soon as it came out onVHS, people were simply no longer interested in my hunch. I guess that’s just the luck of the draw… hunches were a lot more popular in the 16th century. Back then, hunches were so fashionable that parents would bind the backs of their children, in order to ensure the development of a proper hunch. True fact. Anyway, where will these writings take us again? No idea.
All in all, I’d say we’re off to a great start here.
time & space bro,
SCORPION OUT.
Keep up with Nekrogoblikon on their Facebook page.
