Time & Space, Bro is an ongoing guest column by Nekrogoblikon frontman Scorpion, who gives us a piece of his mind…
Hi all, Scorpion here-
Some of you may have been wondering about my recent absence from the blog realm. I can hear it now… "Oh no! Did Scorpion give up?” No. "Did Metal Injection shut the blog down because it wasn’t getting any clicks?" Uhh, no, definitely not!! "Is it true that water only burns in space?" Absolutely!
Speculation aside, here’s the true and factual story of what really happened, and why I haven’t been able to update this blog weekly:
Directly after sending Time & Space, Bro™ #4 to Metal Injection, my front door was smashed open by an elite team of ruthless Spetsnaz, or Russian special forces. I swiveled around in my office chair, dropping the nearest two assailants with a perfectly executed chair kick. They obviously weren’t expecting this, and began to shout loudly in Russian.
Seeing opportunity in their panic, I snarled like a tiger and leapt up out of my chair, hurling myself towards a particularly young and defenseless looking guard. My jaws connected with his throat midair (like a bear), and in one swift motion I ripped out his jugular. Seconds later, he was on the floor, sputtering out his final breaths like some filthy zoo animal. He stared with deep longing at his dripping, pulsating jugular (which, as fact would have it, was still clutched in my unrelenting maw). Great, I thought; now I’ve gotta get the carpet cleaned.
I proceeded to pick up his AK47, lucky for me it was loaded. I began to head-bang rapidly and with great intensity. The jugular (still in my mouth) was flapping around like a dead squid, spraying blood everywhere and generally grossing everybody out. With a mouthy guffaw, I opened fire into the seemingly endless mass of death troopers. In all honesty, I was having a lot of fun.
After I had killed forty or fifty, there was a knock on my door, (which had swung closed in the heat of the skirmish). Oh no! Not another noise complaint! Those pesky neighbors. As I was explaining the situation to the irritated neighbor, I realized there were still hundreds of Russians standing in my apartment behind me, who had inexplicably stopped attacking and were now smoking cigarettes. It was at this point that a bag was pulled over my head, and I was promptly clubbed. It’s not easy living in an apartment.
After a long, dark, and bumpy ride, the bag was finally ripped off my head. I found myself in a maximum security Russian prison. They had mistaken me for the infamous Russian criminal Skorpion Yershov (pictured left):
Personally, I don’t see any similarity.
At first, I was desperate to clear my name. I clung to hope; counting the days, the hours, the minutes I spent rotting away, locked in this filthy hell, painfully and ever-more aware of each passing second. As time continued, my mood undertook a gradual yet undeniable shift. I gave up fighting, and came to accept the fact that I would be spending the rest of my life locked up, for crimes I never committed.
The addictions of my daily life came to pass. No more social media, no more snus, no more drinking, no more pot. No more NOTHIN’. As my connection to these substances began to fray, so too did my sense of purpose. I became a flaccid shell of my former self. With none of my old distractions to tide me over, it became ever more relevant that all of this was meaningless. Just a guy and his brain, trapped with no coordinates and no hope. I forgot how to speak English, and began to communicate only in grunts. I didn’t even have the energy to fart. I would have blamed my parents, but I forgot who they were as well. It was just me, alone, and I was nobody.
The next day, I was on a plane back to the grand old US of A. During the flight, I drank approximately ten whiskeys, ate five edibles, and lipped four cans of snus, all while scrolling through every social media website at the same time. Needless to say, it was a blast. The funny thing is, although I did get a chance to become reacquainted with my beloved addictions, I never regained my sense of purpose.
Anyway, it’s good to be back. I’m in the studio right now watching Bready track drums for the upcoming full-length. It’s gonna be some pretty heavy metal.
time & space bro,
SCORPION OUT.
Keep up with Nekrogoblikon on their Facebook page. The band will be on tour all summer.
