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Ask Me...I'm Right

ASK ME, I'M RIGHT: Debut Advice Column from Greg of the Red Chord

To submit your questions to Greg, e-mail [email protected]

Daniel writes:

Hello Greg….greetings from Denmark (the capital of Sweden). I recently formed a new metalband (deathmetal oriented). Before that I played in another band, but I quit it because my bandmates were more interested in partying in the jammer and drinking than actually creating some music. I need your advice on how to make the jam sessions more effective, so we dont fall in to a black hole and nothing is getting done like in my former band. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve; making riffs, jamming together, song writing ect…..?? – thanx!

Greg responds: I could see how attempting to jam with people who are more into drinking, partying and, no doubt, your world famous bikini team would be most annoying. Here's what you do. First off, set up a regular practice schedule that is the same time and same day(s) of the week. Secondly, lay down the law! Let your band mates know that they can be sober for at least three hours a week and that even though "partying in the jammer" is hip it can happen after practice. Lastly, buy a dry erase board to mark the sections of each song and to see your progress. Practice is not a time to get wasted that's what tour was invented for.

Dmitiri writes: I'm going to skip the whole "I love the Red Chord, you guys are the most brootal doodz evar, ass kissing shit, etc…" Needless to say I am a huge fan of the music, but it's also the Red Chord's attitude and sense of humor that makes me love your band even more. I admire that you all don't take yourselves too seriously and how you seem to thoroughly enjoy yourselves everytime i've seen you play (except for Brad, which I don't get because if I could shred on the drums like him I'd be grinning like an idiot nonstop). Regardless, I kinda felt like an asshole when nearly 3-4 months after I purchased one of your t shirts at a show, I realized that you all had hidden the line 'Don't tell dad I'm gay" amidst some swirly art on the shirt. Now mind you, I was laughing my ass off when i found this, but then I got kind of pissed because I realized the merch guy was probably laughing his ass off when he sold me this shirt knowing I would be completely ignorant to the subliminal messages it contained. But alas after some thought, I was completely overwhelmed by the display of sheer brilliance on the bands part at being able to make kids pay money to make fools of themselves. I was just curious, have you guys done this type of tomfoolery with any other designs or merchandise? Long Live the moooooooooon.

P.S. Is Guy rocking the roids, I saw some recent pictures of the band from Ozzfest and his arms look enormous compared to the last time I saw you all play in FLA? If not, I need his workout plan ASAP. (please don't make fun of me for noticing).

Greg responds: I can't believe you noticed Guy's arms, you may have picked out the shirt in question subliminaly. Although this is an advice column and this is more of a band question I will let it slide. The only thing my band takes seriously is the music we play and the attempt to put on a good show. At our shows sometimes there are "dude bras" who beat on girls and little kids. These "dude bras" enjoy shirts with skulls and wings on them. We presented this to Paul Romano,, our layout, t-shirt and all around great guy guy and he presented us with a shirt that has skulls, wings and an encrypted message. "Don't tell Dad I'm gay". We thought it would be funny if all the hard looked hooligans had that scribbled on their shirt. As for you getting pissed, c'mon that's shit's funny. In the future though I'd take a long look at our t-shirt designs before buying one.

Jake writes:

its jake troth, we met on ozzfest. I was with BTBAM. I need your help. .
..bad. . .
I know you every now and then you break out your hiphop skillz on tour,
performing first at red chord shows and spit hot fire on the mic. I was just
wondering where you found your Inspirado at and how can I become a better
if youre not busy, please give me a taste of Dirt Mistaken for Weed.
I need ideas. HELP ME!
the tall kid.

Greg responds: Oh Jake, Ha ha. For those of you, like Jake here, that know me you've probably heard me rap quite a bit. Gunface and I are often found beat boxing and trading rhymes at every TRC show. On Ozzfest we were joined every night by the bus area with Tommy Rogers of BTBAM fame who is the only other person on that tour who could hang with our skills. I guess the advice I would give is that let your words flow naturally. Don't worry about rhyming them at first, that will come later. Rap about your day or your shoes or your baby's mama. Grab a dictionary and a thesaurus and get smart on some punks ass. The more words you know the more your rhymes can flow. Peace
PS- Check out Jake's band "Glass Casket".

Daniel M. asks:

Dear Ask-Me-I'm-Right,

I've been having some trouble growing a full, manly beard. I figure you
of all people could give me some advice on this.


Greg responds: Dan, I'm glad you brought this up. There is an easy way and a hard way to help you grow that beard. The easy way is time. Our tour manager Dickhouse wanted a moustache and he grew one for two months and then I think he even dyed it a darker color. In all honesty you still couldn't see it. The hard way is more fun and only takes a month. Travel up to Maine and go deep into the northern forest area until the trees make it impossible to drive. Leave your vehicle behind and walk until all sounds of civilization are no more. Chop down trees with you teeth and make a cabin. Pack your face with earthy moss and mud every night before bed and dream of bar fights. hunt for your food using only your hands and on the final day of the month sit in your cabin and meditate. Listen to the sounds of nature and pray to the animal spirits who fell in order for you to eat. That final night walk to the top of the tallest mountain and challenge the elder bear to an arm wrestling challenge. If you lose he will eat you but if you win, oh, if you win, he will breath the secret of the beard into your lungs. From that day on you will grow hair at an alarming rate and you will be respected by nature and all its creatures.
PS- When you see the elder bear, tell him Greg says hi.

We're glad you've taken the time to read this column, and actually learn something. Don't forget…To submit your questions to Greg, e-mail [email protected]

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