Update: We've been had. As Mike "Gunface" McKenzie points out to us, this story started out on a parody site and was eventually picked up by actual news sites. So, it's a fake story. The world we live in now! Original story as follows:
We've posted some pretty out there stories in our Metal Crimes section over the years. Who can forget the murderer who tried to blame Slayer for telling him to kill his father? Or that crazy Christian in Oklahoma who accused a metalhead of practicing witchcraft? Or the Satanist who murdered a black metal vocalist because he wasn't really a Satanist? Those were all very crazy, but this is a new kind of crazy…
MetalSucks just made us aware of this fantastic story about a Florida man (of course) who turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend, Mr. Happy.
The man, named Geoff Gaylord, confessed to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office that he killed Mr. Happy by repeatedly stabbing him with a knife, and then he proceeded to cut up Mr. Happy with a hatchet and bury him in his backyard. But why would Geoff do such a thing? According to Random Enthusiasm:
'[Mr. Happy] left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies…He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn't get it clean…Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF…We'd go dancing, play on the children's park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal and listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.'
Drugs were involved?! Shocker! We're curious as to what doom metal Geoff and Mr. Happy were listening to. Was it Sleep? Candlemass? Waht could set Geoff off?
The story goes on to say that Mr. Happy crashed Geoff's car, and Geoff got the blame for it, because, ugh, Geoff is actually visible on this plane of existence and that was actually the final straw for Geoff. Feeling an immense amount of guilt, Geoff pleaded with the cops to take him in and give him the death penalty. The cops eventually searched his home and found drug paraphanlia and a machine gun, thus arresting Geoff on multiple charges.
Poor Geoff. Look at that mugshot, he's been through enough!