Whenever attending an event, there is always the excitement of not knowing what could happen. We anticipate the anarchic atmosphere along with the highlights it might lead to. What will the band play? Could I meet the band? Will I catch a pick? Will I get laid after? Of course we conclude that all of these things will probably not happen, what we can guarantee, however, is that someone (if not everyone) will irritate us at some point. Here is a run down of the most likely perpetrators.
1) Like a Bull in a China Shop
You pay good money to attend the event, planning to stand in awe and witness your musical gods in the flesh. You manage to secure yourself a space near the front, central enough to get an equal balance of sounds and everything seems perfect… Almost too perfect. The moment the band explode into the first adrenaline bomb of brutality the floor turns into a war zone and the spot you gleefully invested in plummets in value faster than a farm on a flood plain. You now have three choices; join the pit and lose your ability to actually watch the band, flee and find asylum but admit defeat, or stand your ground and a become human turnbuckle to the royal rumble of half naked blokes in an impromptu metal-mania.
2) The Human Windmill
This guy has more grease in his hair than John Travolta and doesn’t mind whipping you in the face with all four feet of it while headbanging so hard it looks like his skull might eject from its fleshy pod and take out the bassist. He will always have the polite consideration to leave sufficient space in front of him, so that he isn't subjected to the guilt of watching his victim get flailed to death. If you are stood behind him however, your fucked. I've never tried standing in a drive through car wash, but I’d imagine it feels like this.
3) The Butthole Surfer
Chances are, if you feel a burning desire to detract attention from the act at every gig, you are probably an egocentric asshole. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place. When the band members crowd surf it’s an awesome way to interact and displays an admirable commitment to showmanship. When a gig is heaving and there are enough people to take the impact then fair enough. When you repeatedly climb on-stage to leap onto twenty kids, breaking a fresh nose with each attempt, you’re a cunt. Maybe nobody lavished attention onto your juvenile self and now you're trying to compensate. It’s not all bad though, that boot to the face might have hurt, but not as much as his inevitable face plant on the cold sticky floor when everybody realises that they don’t want to carry him.
4) The Spit Pistols
This is a less common form of deviance, but one that is still seen more often than anyone wants in 2015. Gobbing was a sign of appreciation in the punk scene like 3-4 decades ago; this doesn't mean that a modern band playing music that bears similarities to their four chord forefathers will value your putrid green lung butter in the same way. It’s not 1980 and you’re not at a cockney rejects gig, don’t spit; swallow. Thanks.
5) Miscellaneous Mischief
Much like the music itself, there are sub-genres of gig killers. Any of these other offenders can be guilty of equally evil acts of space invasion. For instance, there are The Backpackers, who I presume intend to camp in the back alley hoping to intersect the band between the door and tour bus. Fair shout though, you have to admire their preparedness, even if it does crush your sternum past the back of your spine throughout the entire gig. Even more infuriating are The Woman Beaters. These are possibly the most fucking disruptive of all gig killers, as there is nothing worse than being really into that groovy ass riff, then noticing your girlfriend has a split lip. I don’t know who's going to gigs and flapping their elbows like a chicken on methamphetamine, but for some reason people are. Another elusive character is The Beer Assassin, who waits patiently in the shadowed wings, waiting for you to almost take the first sip from your $5 pint. He then descends with a purposeful stride, spearing frothy liquid from your firm grip and onto your new t-shirt.
6) And The Absolute Worst… The Elitist
Like a man attempting to pick up women in a bar, I have left the worst until last. There is only one form of offender that truly ruins events for people. A creature who kills gigs so frequently his stats put Jason Vorhees to shame. A bloke so bitter if you tasted him you’d think it's Guinness. I am referring to the sad person who stands and judges everyone else for having a good time. As explained, all of these stereotypes can become irritating, but chances are, if you've been to enough shows to identify these people you have probably been all of them at some point. I know I have and often still proudly am. Crowd response is an intrinsic part of metal events, or any event for that matter. It is a metaphorical measuring stick by which the band and promoters can gauge success, so if you want the events to continue, grow and develop, show some support and jump in the fuckin pit!
Did we miss any offenders? Let us know in the comments!
