Monday night's Passover Seder got me thinking: It may not be fashionably metal to be down with the G-O-D, but any biblical historian, or anyone who's read R. Crumb's shockingly graphic take on the Book of Genesis, knows that before Paul and co. repackaged Hizzoner into a lovey-dovey marshmallow, the Lord was one twisted motherf*cker. Picking on poor Job, tricking his best friend into almost killing his own son ("LOL, Abraham! You should see your face dude…") or drowning everyone on the planet… It kinda makes a one-and-done smack from Thor's hammer seem downright merciful.
Then there's Passover.
Here we have the Big Man going BERSERK over a simple labor dispute and unleashing a bevy of horrors more fit for an Exhumed song than a cheery Sunday sermon. With this in mind, I thought it would be appropriate to ring in the high holiday by matching up our favorite plagues with the appropriate metal soundtrack.
1. The Nile Turns to Blood:
Jeez, you think it'd be easy to find a song about a river of blood (Dethklok has one in their backyard for Pete's sake!). Yes, "Raining Blood" is the obvious choice, but we need the stuff coming out of the ground, not falling out of the sky. THINK people! While I wait for a better suggestion, I'll have to go with the closest visual reference, BLOOD TSUNAMI!
2. Gnats, Locusts and Frogs:
Yes, I know I'm lumping three into one here, but when it comes to creepy crawlers, there's only one song that comes to mind. TRAIL OF INSECTS DOWN YOUR SPINE!
3. Wild Beasts:
Who better conjures the image of a pack of wolves tearing through your village with your dismembered limbs in tow than Deströyer 666. LONE WOLF WINTER!
4. Pestilence and Boils:
With a billion different gore-grind bands to choose from, this one is almost too easy. SMELL THE CURDLING SKIN!
Since there's a million metal songs about the blackening of skies, I thought I'd go more for mood on this one. Whenever I feel like sinking into total darkness, I lie down, clasp my hands across my chest and imagine I'm lying amongst a couple of… COFFINS!
6. Death of the Firstborn:
Honestly, this was the first song that popped into my head for this playlist. Who better than The Crown to pen the ultimate anthem to soul-harvesting on a dark night? This song is the sound of an angel of death gone mad. DEATH IS THE HUNTER!
Any other suggestions are welcome. Now go forth, and remember, it's a mitzvah to get drunk!