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"You People Are MORONS!" Hilarious Vintage Letters From Heavy Metal Fans Published In Hit Parader Magazine

Posted by on August 15, 2018 at 4:17 pm

As a rock journalist myself (or loveable hack–either one works really), I've received my fair share of "hate mail" over the years for daring to state I prefer Lita Ford to her ex-bandmate, Joan Jett or, let's say, just for having an opinion about anything. It's an occupational hazard. Of course, now all us "writers" have the convenience of being able to read hate mail instantaneously thanks to the Internet and social media. People can yell at your virtually, which they do anytime they type a comment in ALL CAPS. Welp, it's a living and one quite frankly I wouldn't trade for anything.

Like any music enthusiast, I loved reading magazines before the dawn of the Internet and still do. If you are a heavy metal-inclined child of the 80s and 90s, you will, of course, remember some of the popular magazines from the two decades you just couldn't live without. Circus, Kerrang!, Metal Edge, and the topic of this post, Hit Parader played a huge role in helping to push the heavy metal agenda by putting out magazines full of glossy photos and deets on your favorite bands. And as it turns out, readers were swift to chime in with letters to Hit Parader (and other mags) sharing their thoughts on everything from how KISS is better than Van Halen (Van Halen drools according to Craig from Roy, Utah), and admonishing one of HP's contributors for referring to the vocalist for Accept, Udo Dirkschneider, as a "pint-sized belter" on their letters page.

The best thing about all this nostalgia, as the title of this post indicates, is the existence of around 20 different letters sent into Hit Parader back in the day, mostly from disgruntled fans or someone fed up with looking at David Lee Roth in pants so tight they "squash up his lovely sex organ." They are fantastic and occasionally unhinged just like heavy metal should be. So, without further delay, lets read some letters sent from metalheads of the past, all of whom I'm sure turned out just fine.

HT to the awesome Public Collectors Tumblr!

 

 

Yikes!

 

Classic.

 

 

 

Pissed Off just might be right about Crüe. First, in 1982, the band was arrested at the Edmonton airport for arriving on Canadian soil dressed in their stage clothing and for possessing "dirty magazines." The cops allegedly ended up confiscating  a couple thousand bucks worth of stage gear, including whips, chains, studded belts and spiked wristbands, classifying them as "dangerous weapons." Crüe wasn't embraced by Canadian fans either and many let the band know it by way of hurling bottles at them during their shows as well as their fists. Nikki Sixx might have unapologetically bled on the crowd due to his injuries, which sounds about right. Later at another show in Edmonton, someone called in a bomb threat-something the band copped to later as a publicity stunt to hype their visit (as was, allegedly, the airport fiasco). Before they left Edmonton, Tommy Lee pulled a page out of Bob Geldof's Pink Floyd: The Wall playbook and chucked a television out of the band's hotel room.

 

 

I've been called worse.

 

 

Annie is clearly Team Roth.

 

Lynne and Annie should get together sometime.

 

Jefferson, Texas FTW.

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