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What the fake H&M campaign says about u (and metal in general) by Sgt. D

The following is a guest editorial by the prolific metal trend analyst Sergeant D. on the recent H&M controversy:

As u may have heard by now, some hipster art types trolled the entire metal scene the other day by creating a fake H&M campaign in which H&M created fake metal bands, complete with fake backstories and fake music, album covers, and of course fake t-shirts that were supposedly for sale in the store. Basically, it was like a more elaborate version of my fake BURZUM clothing line from a few years back. The whole metal scene got incredibly buttmad about it, and while it was revealed to be a hoax, I think it says a lot about how dumb the scene is. Specifically:

1. Ur not as fucking special as u think u are

First of all, I have no idea why this idea would even be remotely shocking if it was real, because this is actually EXACTLY what I would expect from a Swedish hipster clothing company.

All of u guys act like ur the only person in the world who knows anything about “underground metal,” as if that’s some kind of amazing accomplishment. Maybe it was 25-30 years ago, when it was actually kind of difficult to get metal records, zines, merch, etc, but these days anyone with a Paypal account can be in the club. Oh wow, u spent ur paycheck on some fukking cassette on eBay ur such a superior patrician.

Ur not the only person in the world who knows about old metal/hardcore. This shit has been around for like 40 years now and guess what, the ranks of just about any company’s design department is full of people just like u (well, except they probably make a lot more money than u). The typical graphic designer at a company like Nike, Old Navy, Forever 21, etc is some chubby shithead with a beard, a bunch of dumb tattoos and a PALLBEARER hoodie checking out the latest trend-metal on Noisey. Sound fucking familiar?

2. U are predictable and easily manipulated

The guys behind this hoax knew exactly how to get u riled up and push ur buttons all the way to the bank. A company literally cannot pay for the kind of incredibly detailed, in-depth coverage that this thing got on the world’s most influential and tastemaking metal blogs (yes, u dipshit, MI and MS are *that* big and *that* influential), but u fell for their shit hook, line and sinker.

LOL @ u falling for this cheap trick, ur like one of those old ppl who sends their life savings to some Nigerian scammer because they don’t understand how the internet works

“Make up a band like BATHORY, only if they weren’t rly shitty” – H&M Creative Director

3. It’s a hilarious/sad comment on the lack of creativity in metal

The real punchline here is that “underground metal” is such a rigidly defined set of tropes and aesthetic elements that there is effectively no difference between these fake bands and the real ones that Decibel/MS readers fawn over. If ur vest metal overlords told u that MYSTIC TRIANGLE was the next hype band on Southern Lord or Profound Lore, u would fight to be the first ones in line to slurp on their balls and gush over how “amazing” they were when u saw them at a secret SXSW house show last year.

It's a subtle and brilliant way of telling the truth, which is that the metal scene, like pretty much every other “alternative subculture,” is not a tightly-knit community of non-conformists who ‘dont give a fuk what society thinks,’ it’s just a bunch of insecure dorks jerking each other off over what patches they have on their ‘battle vest’ (lol).

You can read more of Sgt. D's musings over at his website, Stuff You Will Hate and MetalSucks.

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