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What the fake H&M campaign says about u (and metal in general) by Sgt. D

The following is a guest editorial by the prolific metal trend analyst Sergeant D. on the recent H&M controversy:

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As u may have heard by now, some hipster art types trolled the entire metal scene the other day by creating a fake H&M campaign in which H&M created fake metal bands, complete with fake backstories and fake music, album covers, and of course fake t-shirts that were supposedly for sale in the store. Basically, it was like a more elaborate version of my fake BURZUM clothing line from a few years back. The whole metal scene got incredibly buttmad about it, and while it was revealed to be a hoax, I think it says a lot about how dumb the scene is. Specifically:

1. Ur not as fucking special as u think u are

First of all, I have no idea why this idea would even be remotely shocking if it was real, because this is actually EXACTLY what I would expect from a Swedish hipster clothing company.

All of u guys act like ur the only person in the world who knows anything about “underground metal,” as if that’s some kind of amazing accomplishment. Maybe it was 25-30 years ago, when it was actually kind of difficult to get metal records, zines, merch, etc, but these days anyone with a Paypal account can be in the club. Oh wow, u spent ur paycheck on some fukking cassette on eBay ur such a superior patrician.

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Ur not the only person in the world who knows about old metal/hardcore. This shit has been around for like 40 years now and guess what, the ranks of just about any company’s design department is full of people just like u (well, except they probably make a lot more money than u). The typical graphic designer at a company like Nike, Old Navy, Forever 21, etc is some chubby shithead with a beard, a bunch of dumb tattoos and a PALLBEARER hoodie checking out the latest trend-metal on Noisey. Sound fucking familiar?

2. U are predictable and easily manipulated

The guys behind this hoax knew exactly how to get u riled up and push ur buttons all the way to the bank. A company literally cannot pay for the kind of incredibly detailed, in-depth coverage that this thing got on the world’s most influential and tastemaking metal blogs (yes, u dipshit, MI and MS are *that* big and *that* influential), but u fell for their shit hook, line and sinker.

LOL @ u falling for this cheap trick, ur like one of those old ppl who sends their life savings to some Nigerian scammer because they don’t understand how the internet works

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“Make up a band like BATHORY, only if they weren’t rly shitty” – H&M Creative Director

3. It’s a hilarious/sad comment on the lack of creativity in metal

The real punchline here is that “underground metal” is such a rigidly defined set of tropes and aesthetic elements that there is effectively no difference between these fake bands and the real ones that Decibel/MS readers fawn over. If ur vest metal overlords told u that MYSTIC TRIANGLE was the next hype band on Southern Lord or Profound Lore, u would fight to be the first ones in line to slurp on their balls and gush over how “amazing” they were when u saw them at a secret SXSW house show last year.

It's a subtle and brilliant way of telling the truth, which is that the metal scene, like pretty much every other “alternative subculture,” is not a tightly-knit community of non-conformists who ‘dont give a fuk what society thinks,’ it’s just a bunch of insecure dorks jerking each other off over what patches they have on their ‘battle vest’ (lol).

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You can read more of Sgt. D's musings over at his website, Stuff You Will Hate and MetalSucks.

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