We here at Metal Injection are big fans of The Hard Times, a site that masterfully and hilariously pokes holes in the punk and metal communities, and whose satirical articles make us laugh on a daily basis. To conclude our Summer partnership with Sailor Jerry Rum, we bring you a series of guest articles from The Hard Times. Read at your own risk, though, because you’re likely to see a little of yourself in each of the protagonists. Respect Norman Collins’s legacy and drink Sailor Jerry responsibly.
NEW ORLEANS – Patrons of The Lockjaw Bar have been “totally let down” by the story behind the eyepatch on one particularly tough-looking customer’s face, according to multiple reports.
When visitors first see Jack Slaughter – a 6-foot-5-inch muscled man with a long beard, Motörhead tattoos and eyepatch – standing at the bar, they wouldn’t be surprised to learn he likes heavy metal, rides a motorcycle, or is a Navy veteran.
“I bought him a drink because I thought he lost his eye in a fight,” said one customer, who requested anonymity as Slaughter “…could definitely mess him up if he wanted to.” “Like, maybe it got knocked out by a sock full of quarters, or someone stabbed him with a broken pool cue in a big biker brawl, you hear?”
Many simply assumed Slaughter’s eyepatch is related to one of his professions as a part-time security guard and auto mechanic, or his semi-pro standing in the local backyard MMA scene. However, the man himself claimed that is not the case.
“Oh, this? It’s just temporary,” explained the muscular metalhead. “I was clipping my nails, like I do every night, but I must’ve left a little bit hanging on the end. Then, later, I rubbed my eye and scratched my cornea real bad! Who knew? My doctor said I can take it off later this week.”
Out-of-town patrons – who dreamt Slaughter lost the eye in a “badass” way, like a secret war in Central America in the 80s, an impromptu drag race through a cemetery on Halloween, or stage diving into a heavily-studded mosh pit at a Judas Priest concert – reported extreme dissatisfaction with Slaughter’s explanation.
Those close to Slaughter say patrons may simply have asked the wrong questions. “It’s a shame people have been asking about the eye patch so much,” said a long-time friend of Slaughter. “They never ask about something he’s actually missing: his kidney. He donated that back in 2012 to save the life of his estranged half-brother. Saved his life and their relationship, it did.”