I don't know what to say, folks. I've been immersed in metal music and culture for more than two decades but I was still naive enough to think I'd seen it all. I've seen GWAR spray adoring fans with fake blood and jizz. I've seen Joey DeMaio of Manowar lecture a packed house in Cleveland's Agora Ballroom about the high quality of the band's merchandise. I've heard countless bands drawing inspiration from countless themes, but none of this has prepared me for Equestria Metallers.
Equestria Metallers is an instrumental musical project from an unknown person or persons who create what can only be called "brony metal." If you aren't familiar with the brony sub-culture, it's basically a bunch of grown men who, for whatever reason, love the children's cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. I just…I can't. Here's what the anonymous brony(s) responsible for this music had to say for themselves on Equestria Metallers' Facebook page:
"Equestria Metallers is a band making music in the universe of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. A lot of styles and techniques were used in composing – for example, you can easily hear elements of metalcore, post-hardcore, deathcore, progressive, modern, thrash metal, death metal, black metal, power metal and so on."
The songs on the band's album, titled Feel the Harmony, are totally instrumental save for a few brief samples of dialogue from the television show, so I'm not sure how this fits into the My Little Pony universe. The music is also nowhere near as complex as the creator would have you believe. Every song is repetitive and, as a consequence, it can sometimes be a challenge to make it through an entire track. On the upside, there really is a wide variety of different metal styles represented and, God help me for saying this, the music can be pretty catchy in small doses. There are even breakdowns on a few of the songs so bronies can start a family friendly circle pit if the mood strikes them.
Equestria Metallers have a Bandcamp page where you can download Feel the Harmony for free if you really want it. Maybe you could introduce the brony in your life to it. Or, better yet, play the album for your four-year-old as a way to indoctrinate her into heavy music. Below you can stream Pinkie The Party," a track from Feel the Harmony. Don't pretend you don't enjoy it just a little bit, you weirdo.