Gwarsenio Hall’s Best-Dressed Metal Musicians of 2018
The following is a guest post submitted by Two Minutes to Late Night's host, Gwarsenio Hall – who just needed to get this damn thing off his chest.
Crappy New Year, Bat Brulees! My name is Gwarsenio Hall. Most know me as the host of the music talk show Two Minutes To Late Night. However, in smaller corners, I’m known for being one of Brokelyn’s best dressed goth’s of 2018 and the first male model for Ashley Rose Couture. Since everyone and their roadies have assaulted you with their top 10 album lists these last few weeks, I thought I would use my new-found fashion status and astounding critique to give you a “Top 10” list that’s worth your time. Here were my picks for the best dressed metal musicians of 2018.
The hair clump in your shower drain, but make it fashion! Every look Chelsea has served this year has been fierce, well thought out, and featured tails so long, it had Princess Diana rolling in her car accident. With her army of loyal fans and the most popular designers in spookiness, Chelsea has cemented herself as 2018’s gothweight Champion.
If John Waters and the bat from Bram Stoker's Dracula had a baby that was 65 years old, it would the dishonorable frontman of Ghost, Toby Forge. Ghost’s music is definitely divisive but the look of the Cardinal of Controversy is unfuckwithable. With a hat made from a bat and custom suits fit to toot, it is impossible not to join the cult of Gagginism.
We can’t talk about metal fashion without bringing up the Matthew Barney of Jacksonville, Florida, Wes Borland. Limp Bizkit may be wrestling entrance music for most and a drunken karaoke choice for my writers room, but their guitarist Wes Borland is inarguably a true artist. He’s Vivacious from season 6 of Ru Paul’s Drag Race but for people who vape. He is always pushing the limits of visual imagination whether he’s on stage as a Studio 54 Warcraft Beast or the corpse of Hunter S. Thompson on vacation.
If "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark" was a dress you could buy on Dollskill.com. Myrkur is the Ginger Rogers of musical Spookery. Every week there is another shoot of her in the woods wearing something that looks like it’s from Final Fantasy 9 but somehow comfier than sweat pants from Target. I’m forever jealous. Slay-(er)!
If that guy who hogs all the leg machines at the Planet Fitness by your house was a Francis Bacon painting, it would be the Behemoth himself, Nergal. If he’s not busy dressing like a Star Wars-themed ayahuasca trip on stage or making you surprisingly horny for dead christian idols in his music videos, you can bet your bippy he’s serving a monsterous health goth look in the checkout line at “Uptown Veg.”
Rob Of Finland has been wearing leather the way us posers wish we could since ‘69 (nice.) He’s almost 70 years old and it seems that some sort of witch cursed him to slowly transform into Dobby from Harry Potter. That being said, the metal god is owning it. Those pointy ears are goals and if we were honest with ourselves, every soul on mother Gaia wishes they were the one being smacked in the tush with that trademark whip.
Hard Melissa is my co-host on Two Minutes To Late Night. She wears the same thing every day, but honestly, it looks pretty good, and she said she’d key my car if I didn’t put her on this list. Enjoy.
I know Forever came out last year, but they didn’t show up to the Grammy’s dressed like 90’s Matthew Lillard characters until a few months ago. I can’t believe this style is back and being pulled off and by the angriest band in mainstream metal, but I’m ready to watch whatever CW superhero show they’re on. Also, Masked Intruder, come get your mans.
I know this might not be fair to the other contestants. This man looks like a drunk subway conductor, never wears a shirt, and literally just lost a toe. However, he wears it with confidence and grace, and sometimes, that’s all it takes. Show me any other shirtless 50-year-old playing a Les Paul and I will show you a Long Island divorce. You’re one of a kind, Matthew.
That’s right. I’m putting myself on this list. My outfits are tailored and I have suits made out of candles and cool trees. I also wore a bolo tie last week. I look great. Suck an egg.
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View previous Best of 2018 articles here.