Well, im going around asking any band I come across how they got signed. Whats the story with you guys?
Was it a hook up, luck or all the sex guy had with the record executives?
I mean, it has to be hard for an all gay band to get signed lol.

nah, seriously, howd you guys go about it all.

-lester

Greg's response:

First off, my band has no sexual orintation to speak of and secondly, all you have to do is convince a label that you're worth something. They need a reason to put you out. Prove, through an amazing live show or a great demo, that you're worth their time. Speaking of demos, make sure yours sounds great. Take the time to make sure it sounds like a real recording. Also, were you asking about how gay bands get signed because you and your friends are gay and in a band looking to get signed? Just wondering.

-Greg

dear greg,

first off you are all that is awesomeness! and i bet you get laid more than
gene simmons (zat faggot)! here's my problem:

i am a drummer in 2 bands currently, one deathcore and one melodic metal. i
have been in the melodic band for 2 months and i just reciently joined the
dethcore one. the deathcore band thinks it's ok to be in 2 bands, but the
melodic band's guitarist thinks that i will eventually quit one because of
conflicting practice time. what do you think?

-metal mike

Greg's response:

Metal Mike,

Here's the deal, you've got so much rock in you that you need two bands. Anytime you can find different styles of music to play I suggest you do it. Your guitar player might just be bummed that he only has one band. I constantly have a bunch of projects going on even though I'm in The Red Chord. Now to address the getting laid thing. A couple of years ago I decided I needed to focus more on the rock. To do this I needed to alleviate myself from any outside distractions, mainly the ladies. I had my penis removed and since then all I can think of is the rock. Let's kick it!

-Greg

Hey Greg-

I was wondering what you thought about all these metal bands just popping up these days like weeds, and what the whole attraction is to metal bands with makeup, womens pants, and girl hair-cuts? I've seen more than a hundred of these so called "metal" bands who play trash, and then even trashier live. What's up with all this crap happening?

-Iain

Greg's response:

I barely like my band so you can only imagine what I think of these clowns. I'll tell you what, everybody wants to get big without any work. An easy way to get a bunch of "fans" is to look the part. Make-up, tight pants whatever. The ones who last are the ones who are concerned with the rock and not with the appearance. Get souped bad bands!

-Greg

I have a sweet ass mustache but my lady friend wants me to shave it. I dont know what to do. Break up with her or lose my mojo?

Nosebleeds and psychobabble~

Greg's response:

Nosebleeds and psychobabble, cute, real cute. Here's a question for you. Do you think Tom Selleck ever had a lady tell him what to do? He's Magnum "Fuckin'" P.I., of course he didn't. Case closed.

-Greg

Ever since I watched the Evil Dead series I've become attracted to dead women and trees, with the occasional bout of schizophrenical vomitting that protudes from the orafice of my brown notes. I am also convinced that I can saw off my hand and replace it with a neato contraction that fits over my stump, but having it be more like a fourteen inch long black rubber dildo rather than a chain saw. I'd rather fuck than kill. Or killfuck, that's good too.

Any advice on how to continue life in a normal fashion?
- Toliet Tongue

P.S. - Have you ever like…walked into a bathroom and there's a dude standing in front of the mirror naked jerking off into the sink…and instead of walking out you just stand there and watch him, then after a few minutes walk up behind him and rub his ass?Greg's response:
Here's some advice, DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! Do not go food shopping, do not walk the dog and for damn sure DO NOT GO TO A RED CHORD SHOW! It's hard enough dealing with the "normal" people that come out to see us. On a different note, I'm sure after people read this you'll meet a lot of interesting women who will let you lock them in the basement and be willing to call you Ash.
-Greg

hey greg!
gigantour is finally comeing to aus and im goin to the brisbane show!! can
you give me advice on how to sneak backstage? or would dave M just boot my
ass?

oh yea andhow does one whos under 18 get some of the alchohol?…not that im
under 18…noooo

Greg's response:

Whenever I hear the name Gigantour I think of the giant robot cartoon from Japan with the same name. The theme song ruled. So, you want to go see the tour that Mr. Mustaine said we were'nt good enough to be on. Well have fun. As for sneaking in I'd suggest hanging out by the will call box office. That's where family and friends go to retrieve their free tix and backstage passes. Some big tours give family and friends a backstage pass and a ticket but you only need one or the other to get in. Somehow convince a relative of Megadeth to give you the ticket they don't need and then enjoy the show. I'm sure this will go off without a hitch. As for the booze, just steal from the backstage area once you get past the security. I hear that Dave's dry these days so I'm sure he'll let you go to town on his portion.

-Greg

I have a dilemma that might sound kind of strange to you but I just don't know where else to turn.
I play in a band called Bad Acid Trip and we just finished the Ozzfest tour, maybe you heard of us?Well the playing in those extreme temperatures rendered my balls very chaffed at the end of eachshow. But that's not the problem only the cause of a more burdening issue. So what happened was,I came home from Ozzfest and shaved my balls, now that the hair is growing back I have this onepesky hair that decided to grow the wrong way, creating this sort of herpetic looking sore that just won'tpop and hurts like a son of bitch. Worst thing is, when I go see my girl next week she's not going to believethat I'm not some kind of disease ridden,manwhore,touring musician. I know you know what I mean……….What should I do?

Thanks for your time,
Jose Perez
Bad Acid TripGreg's response:

Jose,
To prevent these types of problems I bring medicated gold bond on tour with me. Usually in the morning I throw some in my shoes and on my frontal hello dangley area. This prevents the brutal tour chafe. As for your current problem, soak your buddy in warm water and bring that bad boy to a head, no pun intended. Explain to your lady what happened and hopefully she'll believe you. I was also on Ozzfest this summer and the name Bad Acid Trip rings a bell. You wouldn't have been the band that went over the audiences  head but had almost the entire second stage watching you everyday would you have? I think I saw you guys at catering once eating a baby,
-Greg

i live in south florida and i want to start a metal band. Problem is, i cantfind anyone that wants to play metal, theres nothing around here but ska andpunk (sometimes your occasional industrial). How do i get people to playmetal, please help before i kill one of these pussies.Johnp.s. fuck ska

Greg's response:
John, So, do you like ska? I'd better help or there will be a jump in the pussy murder rate in southern Florida. Speaking of Florida, isn't that where all that great death metal came from? And you can't find anyone to play with? You might not be looking hard enough. Have you been to all the local music shops to hang up wanted flyers? Have you read the local music mag want ads? I say be patient. You'll hear through the grapevine that there are these brutal dudes two towns over that need a "whatever it is you do" in their band. Another way to go is to join a band that isn't as cool as the band you want to be in. You'll be in a band, which is better than not being in one, and you'll make better conections that way. That's what I'm doing now,

-Greg

My best friend is getting married soon but I still don't know what to give them for their wedding gift. Do you have any ideas as to what would make a great gift. Your advice would be greatly appreciating.
Thanks,
Manny

Greg's response: Man-dawg,I was recently my cousins best man at his wedding and I got them a congrats gift, a wedding shower gift and a wedding gift. By the end of it I was just throwing cash at him. In return I got a very nice watch, some sandles and a six of IBC. Since he's your best friend get him something that might bring him back to the days of old, back before he decided to give up his life. Make him remember the good times and have it relate to you. That does it for advice to Manny, here's some advice to everyone else out there. Try not to date your cousins friends. One of my ex's was in the wedding party and another ex showed up to the wedding. It was very comfortable being there with those two and my current girlfriend. I was always too lazy to put any effort into geting a girlfriend and it bit me in the ass. Look past friends and relatives to find that special someone or you might be seeing them for the rest of your life.

-Greg

Until about 8 months ago, I was rocking a big-ass beard and some shoulder-length Jesus locks. Then I was fired from my public radio job. Needless to say, a haircut was in order if I was going to find (legal) gainful employment. I retained the beard, cutting it short along with the rest of my hair. I want long hair again, but need to keep up a “neat and clean” appearance for my job. What do you recommend?
-A.J.

Greg's response Oh man, I always wanted a job in radio. Imagine being able to talk for a living. I'd get real fat and just sit in my dj chair eating 10X10's and pounds of animal fries from In n' Out burger between songs. I'd also only play the most horrific aweful music ever created for hours on end with no break. I'd piss in bottles. A.J., a job is a very important thing to have in todays world. Cutting your hair was the right thing to do because even if you don't look cool now at least you have money.

-Greg

 Dear Greg:

I got one dumbass question, afgter listening to some Eminem song and hearing him say "I'd rather fuck a whore with a knife." I got to thinking.